It happened! I had a performance I am not happy with. I didn’t fall out of the air, I didn’t run off stage, but I also would not want anyone I know to have seen the final product.

Panic

About two weeks before this performance, I was told it was kind of a big deal. It was for a Chinese New Year Gala. And the word “gala” was more than I could handle. We even had to do a run through a week before the show for the director of the even. I shut down. I stopped being able to do level one moves. For real. I fell off the rope doing a move I learned in my first months of silks, almost seven years ago.

Practice became super difficult, because panic had set in.

But more practice would have helped a lot. It was a routine I’d done several times before, full of moves I know very well. I always just figured I could just bust it back out. How I underestimated performance anxiety! Had I been consistently running this piece, even when I had no upcoming performance, it would have helped ease my mind.

Know where you’re comfortable

This was a big reminder to me, I’m a lot happier at relaxed venues. I love ambient work, I love party atmospheres, I love performing for little kids and drunk people (really!). I want to push myself sometimes out of that comfort zone, but now I realize that it’s going to take a lot more work for me to be mentally prepared for that. 

Support

I tried to get out of this. So hard. I repeatedly told our studio directors that they could pull me so I wouldn’t make us look bad. I entertained thoughts of how nice it would be to have a twisted ankle so I couldn’t perform, because freaked out brains are stupid like that.

They assured me that they would pull me if they thought I’d embarass us, but that I was just panicking. My friends and directors knew that I have a tendency to freak out, and helped to talk me down. They repeatedly reminded me that I know how to do this.

So get you some people who know you well enough to remind you that you have these moments, and that you still make it out just fine.

I did it anyway.

I had to, and I actually wanted to, under layers of worry. I was using an old routine, and the move that wasn’t landing I just pulled. That’s why it’s important to always have a Plan B for moves.

Nothing had to be exact. For performances like this, I like having music I’m comfortable with and a routine that doesn’t have to hit most moments exactly. In a more lyrical piece, the choreography needs to match the music points. But for me, especially with rope, I enjoy getting to relax into playing with the song instead of worrying that I’ll miss a beat.

When in doubt, spin

One entire section didn’t end up working when I was on stage, so I keyed over and spun. People love spinning. I was told after that my fellow performers didn’t realize that I hadn’t intended to do that. I’d have preferred not to, but realized that my height was all wrong and wasn’t about to risk something dangerous. So I played it safe and pretty. Know what your easy, crowd pleasing moves are, just in case.

The takeaway

I’m glad I did it anyway.

It wasn’t great. For real. But that’s okay. It was a huge hurdle for me to get over, freaking that hard and still going (and staying) on stage. I have pretty severe, diagnosed anxiety. It has gotten in my way for a lot of my life, and I’m determined to not continue letting paralyze me. Discovering aerial has been life changing, and finally breaking through in the last year to be able to do solos was a massive step forward for me. This panic fest was just a stumble for me, and in the end it didn’t win. But lord, it took a lot of fun out of it for me.

A rocky performance isn’t the end of the world.

This is the real big lesson: Despite what your head might be screaming at you beforehand, it’s fine. It wasn’t a glorious performance, I never want to see the video. But now I have one that didn’t go great. And that’s actually a good thing. I know it won’t kill me, and I can relax more. I don’t believe in perfect in any area of my life, so it made no sense for me to believe it mattered here either.

At the end of the day, I’m just doing silly things on a rope for fun, and hoping that the people who might be watching are enjoying it too.

A couple of weeks ago, I had my first solo performance on silks. This was a big moment for me. I’ve done ambient work (where you perform in the background of a party) and I’ve been part of several group pieces, but the not-so-fun anxiety monster in my head stopped me for a long time from doing a piece all by myself.

That’s me, celebrating. Oh so celebrating.

Part of what helped with the anxiety? I didn’t put my newest, craziest tricks into the piece.

It’s crazy tempting, I know, to trick out your tricks and put in all the newest stuff you’re excited about. But it’s usually a bad idea.

Because they probably don’t look that good yet.

It sucks, right? But there’s a good chance it’s true.

Remember, performing is a lot different than training. A lot different. When you’re training, you should absolutely be working on your new, harder stuff. You should be working on it until you’re a little sick of it, and you’re learning harder stuff. Because at some point, it becomes a lot easier. Because you’re getting better.

And your audience? Unless you’re performing for a room full of aerialists (which is pretty unlikely), your audience is just going to be impressed that you’re UP IN THE AIR OHMYGOD. So why not put your smoothest, best looking stuff in for them?

Shiny.

Work on adding stylistic stuff to what you’re already got to up the wow-factor. Add a trist to that climb, turn your body all the way around under your shoulder before you climb back into the lyra or trapeze, fan your silks a little (a lot of aerialists HATE that, but you know what? Audiences love it. And you’re performing for their enjoyment, right??)

I have a short and sweet tip for you today.

Want to know an easy way to instantly look better in the air?

It doesn’t involve conditioning (but you’re still doing that, RIGHT?!?), and it’s not a new move.

Lift your head up.

That’s it. Just that. Lift your head up.

See the difference? This isn’t a fancy pose and I’m definitely not all dolled up (in fact this was taken after rope, so I’m sure I was fairly ripe). The only thing I changed was the position of my head. And you can see an immediate difference.

Lifting your head up instantly extends your line (that’s good), makes you look more confident, and lets the audience see your face better, which makes it easier to connect.

Unless you’re trying to connect with the ground. Then by all means, go ahead and keep staring at it.

See, my little spider monkeys? Told you it was easy.